Okay, let’s first address the white elephant in the room: After more than a year and a half of hiatus, I am, indeed restarting my blog.
After I started working for Kawaii-ku, my life suddenly became very busy. I was getting requests to make videos for clients (including Fukuoka City), which meant sending each video for approval and making revisions and going back and forth constantly to the point that I no longer had the time or energy to make my own, I was suddenly appearing on television, and I was constantly worried about my appearance/character. I was doing interviews, I was giving presentations, I made it to callbacks for a big audition for a ~certain NHK drama~ (that I obviously didn’t end up getting but that’s okay because the lady that did suited the role much better), I got sicker than I’d ever been in my life, and on a personal level, I moved out of the apartment I had shared with my long-term partner, and suffered a messy fallout and continuous harassment because of it that has even lasted up until now, which, on top of everything else was mentally and emotionally draining. It also made me terrified of standing out, which unfortunately, I couldn’t really control at this point.
I know a lot of you know his name, but please don’t mention it. I don’t want his name tracing back to my blog or my content anymore.
In some ways, I felt like I had lost control of everything, I couldn’t understand how I could be, by outside perspective, “wonderful, creative, unique, successful”, and yet feel so dark and miserable on the inside. Eventually I reached a point where I couldn’t deal with my own miserable self and began medical treatment for depression and anxiety, which helped me calm down, but didn’t fix the problems. During that time I lost the will to communicate with anyone, because I knew I had nothing positive, encouraging, or interesting to say. How could I encourage anyone to follow their dreams when everything felt so out of control? Blah blah blah, anyway, basically life kicked my butt, and updating my blog and making youtube videos no longer fell into my list of things to do.
At the worst of times it felt like my head was so clouded that I couldn’t remember where I was or what I was doing. I could always show up for work and do my job, whatever the job of the day may be, but I have no recollection of what I did, and whether or not I did it well. I felt like my life was on autopilot and I was simply observing. Admittedly, I could have handled the past 2 years a lot better than I did, but hindsight is 20/20, as they say. If I could go back, I would have shown more appreciation for the opportunities that were given to me, and I would have tried harder to make connections with people, instead of being so stuck inside myself.
Kawaii-ku’s contract ended in March this year, after a year and a half of great experiences and lots of hard work. April has actually been insanely quiet. On one hand, of course, I’m wondering what I’m supposed to be doing now, I’m wondering how I’m going to make a living, and I’m wondering where I’m headed… But on the other hand, I’m finally taking the time to breathe and re-assess and remind myself what it is I was meant to do here on this planet.
In a financial sense, April has been the most “unstable” month in a long time, but in a way, it’s liberating, because I finally feel like I have room to breathe, and the pressure to do anything other than what I want is lifted.
And it’s not like I am completely jobless either. Last year I started a contract with “Kyushu Broadcasting” KBC Radio, and began working on their morning news show, “Morning Wave”, as their Friday Morning personality. This year following the end of Kawaii-ku, they assigned me to a new project called, “Kyushu Marugoto Tokku”, which sends me all over Kyushu to do reports on different lifestyles and reports that appear both on the radio, online, and are also published in Asahi Newspaper. To be honest I was skeptical about doing radio because it was never something I had thought about doing as a career, but unlike TV, radio really lets you be yourself.
I have a great co-host who bounces off all the oddball things I say, and counters my opinions with a balanced phrase or comment to make sure no opinion is left one-sided. Never have they asked me to change who I am, or play up my foreignness. I’m so thankful that they treat me like a person, and the radio listeners have been so welcoming too. Even if it wasn’t something I ever imagined I’d be doing, it’s nice to have a place to go once a week where I can talk and entertain people. It’s low key, but it’s exactly what I need right now. Low key.
Anyway, I’ve been trying to convince myself that it’s okay to be me–flaws and all. Over time I’ve slowly found myself wanting to communicate, to meet people, to make friends, to smile and be helpful and be remembered as someone who is good.
Last month I took a short trip to Seoul, Korea, as a little (well deserved?) getaway, and once again, discovered my love for travelling and adventure. More importantly, I discovered the necessity for blogs and online content. I relied on blogs more than anything while travelling through Seoul. I don’t speak Korean, I don’t know the layout of the city, but thanks to many amazing blog articles, I knew what I was looking for and how to find it.
I realized that ignoring my blog has been a huge mistake. I have missed out on the opportunity to help so many people in the same way. I also know I haven’t had the best attitude, and at times I haven’t come across as grateful for the opportunities that I’ve been given, but I am. I am. Part of turning this around and getting back on track means I have to stop focusing on the bad and be thankful for the good.
And so, with my newfound free time, and developing positive perspective, I am finding myself wanting to move ahead as the person I was supposed to be– a traveller, a blogger, a bridge between cultures, a content creator. Not a TV personality, not a spectacle, nothing more than a single human being sharing her own discoveries with others.
Anyway, that’s the gist of it, but I don’t want to spend any more time talking about this.
I have posts to write, and I’m never going to move forward until I take the first steps.
So here we go. This is me in 2015. Yoroshiku.